Monday, March 15, 2010

We Survived

I could think of a million titles for this post...everything from "We Survived" to "The Hardest Day of My Life", to "Many Tears Shed" to...well, you get the point. I figured "We Survived" was the most fit - it obviously says it all.

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the absolute hardest day of my entire life. I honestly underestimated how hard and emotional it would be to drop our baby girl off at a daycare facility. Nothing against the teachers, but no one can take care of her the way that we can. No one.

I tried to stay strong all weekend, and it wasn't until last night that I lost it. I broke down, while feeding her, and just sobbed. I woke up this morning and tried to get myself psyched up about the day and think "this is just another adventure" It wasn't until I was walking down the steps to the car that, once again, I lost it. But, I quickly pulled it together and talked to Katie about how much fun she was going to have and will have so many stories to tell us this evening.

When I arrived to the daycare, the Director was there to greet me. While I was standing there filling out the paperwork, I tried to tune out the sound of 7 screaming babies in the background and focus on the smiles Katie was giving me from her car seat.

I brought her into the infant room and seriously thought about turning around and walking right back out the door, calling into work and saying I've decided to be a stay-at-home-mom...I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving her when I knew that she was hungry and there were 5 other babies "in line" in front of her to get fed. So, I did the next best thing - I sat down in the rocking chair and nursed my baby right then and there. That way, I could have that bonding time with her, and she wouldn't have to go any longer without breakfast.

Suddenly, it was 9:00 and I needed to head out the door to work, so I passed her over to one of the teachers. Katie didn't react - didn't cry and didn't smile - just looked at the woman. I took that as my cue and walked out. I got about 20 feet from the door before tears started to stream down my face. I can't describe the multitude of emotions - guilt, sadness, etc, but I had to keep telling myself she would be fine.

I waited until 11:00 before I called to check on her. She was sleeping - in the swing, of course, and doing well. I managed to stay away as long as I could (meaning, 2:30 in the afternoon) before going to pick her up.

She was asleep in the swing, but woke up as soon as I kneeled in front of her and gave me the biggest smile. Suddenly, I realized it was all going to be OK.

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